Yeah I've Cried Those Tears Before…











{March 22, 2011}   Don’t Think Now

Thursday, after having a chat with one of my best friends, she somehow convinced me to go to the doctor.

I called in, hysterically, and got an appointment for an hour and a half later.

I went in and broke down.

I basically told my doctor, while, yelling, screaming, and crying, that I was fed up with my life.  I was fed up with being sick and living the way I was living.

I was fed up with taking a dozen and a half pills per day and only being 25 years old.  Much less, pills that I’m really unsure if they work or not.

I was INSANELY pissed off that he referred me to a pain management specialist two months ago, and I went that day to set up the appointment.  They told me they’d call me back to schedule and they never called me back. Shockingly, 30 minutes after I left the appointment, I got an appointment with the specialist for this coming Thursday!

I told him how livid I was that at one point in my life I had goals in my life.  I wanted a family, I wanted to go college.  I wanted a career.

Now I just want to be able to get out of bed in the morning with minimal amounts of pain and with the ability to function.

He also doubled my dosage of Paxil.

He also told me I need to find a new psychiatrist, one who doesn’t believe that acupuncture is a ‘sure fire’ fix-all!   Which makes me hope he doesn’t refer other patients to this whack-job in the future!

Today was a pretty awesome day, and seemed to make all my sadness dwindle away, even for just one single day.

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{March 17, 2011}   The Water is Dark and Deep

I’m depressed.

Really damn depressed.

I want to go find some dark, deep water, and just drown in it.

I feel worthless.

I feel useless.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

I’m afraid.

I’m lost.



{March 16, 2011}   Quickie

Just a quick little update as my spoon count is already borderline in the negative count and it’s not even 2pm yet.

My mother met with an orthopedic surgeon this morning.  She’s in a walking boot for at LEAST 6 weeks.

She also has to have a dexa bone scan this coming Monday.  The surgeon thinks her bones are cracking due to a major vitamin D deficiency, however, that won’t be known until the results are in later next week.

They also want more blood work on her.

That is all I know right now.

Please excuse me while I return to my lunch of girl scout cookies and a chocolate milk shake.

Thank you for all of the positive thoughts!



{March 16, 2011}   Welcome…

Today, after having a random burst out in tears for no apparent reason, I felt I needed to do something about it.

This blog is going to be a blog of total random ramblings so please, bare with me if you may get lost sometimes….

Rather than dishing out money for a therapist who will just smile and nod at me for an hour and offer no advice, and just waste my time, I’d rather just sit at my laptop, in my pajamas and type out a blog entry from time to time, whenever I feel as though I feel as if I need it.

I know I’m depressed.  I know I’m chronically depressed and I fight that battle, on my own, on a daily basis.  It sucks, and it’s hard as hell.  Quite frankly, it’s probably the most difficult battle I’ve ever faced.

Back in May of 2006, I was diagnosed with Chiari 1 Malformation.  Since diagnosis, I have had two brain surgeries, one in June of 2006, and the most recent being in May of 2009.  The most recent one being considered successful, however, my condition has done so much irreversible damage, that I still am quite ill 95% of the time.

With my illness, constant pain and limited abilities, I often use the Spoon Theory to describe my day-to-day function ability.  Shockingly, none of the doctors I have encounters have ever heard of this theory until I explained it to them with paper clips in their offices.   I am just hoping that they had fully learned the information given to them and possibly went home that night and learned a little more about the Spoon Theory and have taught it to more patients in the future.

Something that the majority of people in this country struggle with is their weight.  I, as well, struggle with my weight.  However, I am on the opposite end of the spectrum.  I can not gain weight.  I have had this issue my entire life.  The last time I weighed myself, about a week and a half ago, I weighed 97 pounds.

Growing up, my older brother always called me Anna.  I never really understood why until one day when I said I wasn’t hungry and he called me Anna when I declined to eat.  He was calling me anorexic.

Before people go off on me about my weight, and start going crazy about my not wanting to eat, let me clear something up.  I will gladly, and OPENLY admit to anyone, any day of the week that I suffer from anorexia.  However, I do NOT, and let me repeat myself, I do NOT, suffer from anorexia nervosa.

Sometime last fall, my mom somehow rolled her ankle and it has bothered her ever since.  She finally convinced her doctor that something was in fact wrong with her and he sent her for an MRI last Friday of her right ankle.

She got a call today at work saying her doctor wanted her to go see an orthopedic surgeon FIRST THING tomorrow morning (Wednesday) due to a fracture in her ankle that has been there for SIX FREAKING MONTHS.  This is for sure going to need surgery and casting.  I will post more as I know more details tomorrow, however, at this time, I don’t know much at all.

Yes, I understand that I have a lot of kinks to fix here on wordpress to work out and I hope to fix them within the next few days, so please, bare with me!



et cetera