Yeah I've Cried Those Tears Before…











{May 24, 2011}   Facing the Blank Page

I know I haven’t blogged in….pretty much forever.  I sit here, in my office, facing the blank page of the blog screen wondering what I should blog about.  There is so much on my mind.  So much I could randomly ramble about.  So much I would love to get off my chest.  I know what I want to say, but really…where should I begin?

When I began this blog, it was for my own outlet.  A way to say the things that I won’t dare vocalize out loud.  My big “HELLO WORLD!  I AM SICK, CAN YOU HEAR ME?!” type outlet.

It’s also my own big pity party, online.

The day after my last post, my nephew Adrian Robert Donald was born.  A healthy 7 pounds and 20 inches long.  He had a few issues after birth with his weight, but luckily, everything worked out and he is a perfect baby!  I love him so much!  He’s a total keeper and loves to cuddle which is a total plus in my book!  He is already growing at the speed of light and has already changed so much in the past 6 weeks!

In other kiddo news, Danica has lost her baby blue eyes and her eyes are now the exact same color as mine.  I noticed this on Friday afternoon when we were at her house looking out the front window at the UPS truck driving down the street, I sat there in shock.

Adrian and I have a weird bond having to due with social security numbers, and now Danica and I have the same color eyes and I have a tattoo for her.  I am the proudest aunt in the world.

I also found out that I was, in fact, approved for disability, and got back pay to November 2009, which took a whole load of stress of my family and myself!

Oh, did I also mention I’ve had not one, but TWO surgeries since my last post!?

Yesterday, May 23rd was the 19 year anniversary of my Grandmothers death.  Although I was only 6 years old when she died, I still miss her every day.  My mom and I were both quite down and depressed yesterday.  We didn’t talk about it, we didn’t mention it, but we both knew why.  I always go back to May 23, 1992 in my mind.  My dad and my siblings were at Six Flags that day.  My sister had a school trip that day and my dad took me and my brother along.  I don’t remember a whole lot about the day, except for riding the carousel quite a bit because when your six years old, the carousel is the coolest. thing. ever!

What I do remember what when I got home.  I ran in the front door, excited to tell my mom about how much fun Six Flags was and I found her in the kitchen, crying uncontrollably, throwing oranges at the wall.  I didn’t understand what was going on.

In fact, I really didn’t understand what was going on until we returned home from New York a couple of weeks later and Saturday morning rolled around and Nana didn’t call at 10a.m. like she did every Saturday morning.

I wish I would have had her around longer.  May 23rd sure does suck.

I took a fall on May 13th (which I JUST.NOW.REALIZED was a Friday!) and hurt myself pretty badly.  I prefer not to go in to any detail on here on the extent of my injuries, however, it is requiring minor surgery on June 9th and all will be well from that point on. Lets just say, the lack of heart medication is a total bitch, and concrete is a total bitch as well.

May 14th was pretty awesome because I got to see some of my favorite people in the world.  The spoon count that day was VERY low due to the previous days fall, however, when you spend loads of cash on a hotel and travel, you just can’t waste the money away.

As I was lying in bed the other night and the painsomnia was acting up, I decided I was a dog.  Not a big dog, but a cute, little, tiny dog that can cuddle up in bed with me…

RANDOM!  I think Rayban needs to come out with a purple pair of Wayfarers before August 13th!  Also, do not use #hashtags in text messages to your mother!

This next part is for one person only…this one person will be getting a message letting them know it’s for them…and if they want to contact me…they know how to contact me….I will not play the guessing game on “Oh who is that for?” Please…don’t ask!

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I’m sorry…for everything…I’m not a strong person and you know that.  You made me a stronger person, and without you, I’ve grown incredibly weak.  In fact, I think you know I’m the most stubborn person in the universe and the last thing in the world I would ever want to do IS apologize, unless it was sincere.  My only lifeline was you.  Without you in my life, I feel like I am nothing.  I feel like I am not thriving in this world, just living, or perhaps, just barely surviving, if even that.

Maybe this note is very…very much long over due, but maybe, without you, I have nothing to live for, nothing to prove in life, or nothing to fight for?  You hurt me, too.  Maybe all these feelings started up when I was in Oklahoma City, for the birth of my nephew, and got pissed off and had to send you an e-mail thinking I saw someone I thought I (we) (you) knew…I don’t know.  I just looked back at the e-mail I sent you, and I may have come off as a little lot bitchy, and I’m sorry.  I was frustrated, tired, sick, and overwhelmed.  I don’t know!  Maybe my balance was off that morning and THAT IS WHY he couldn’t take his eyes off me, I just don’t know!

Everyone makes mistakes in their life.  Nobody, and I mean NOBODY is perfect.  I know the both of us are in completely different place in our lives right now, but, please, just talk to me…even, write me back from where I send you this link…let me know you read this.  Please, I am begging you.  We both made mistakes…big mistakes.  I’m not asking for what we had, at all.  I’m asking for you to talk to me.  Not even TALK to me.  I’m asking for you to e-mail me back.  Please.

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Alright…moving right along!

I really don’t know why jelly beans are so damn addictive…same with M&M’s!

Also, I can’t wait until November so I can upgrade my cell phone.  I love my Blackberry (mainly because it has a purple case) but more because I want an Phone!

After I get my iPhone, I will have 3 iPods, and an iPod, and the new saying for me will be, ‘Diamonds, and Apple products are a girls best friend!”  Oh!  And Toms shoes!  Can’t forget the Toms shoes!

I’ve only been home for 8 days from my mini vacation and I already feel like I need another one.  I don’t know where I want to go.  I feel like I just want to get in my car, drive for a few hours, or even a day, stay in a hotel for a night or two and collect my thoughts.  Figure out what I want to do with everything.  Everything including my life.

My brother, Philip, calls my Pop-Tart–his reasoning is that I’m tough on the outside, but once you get inside, I’m all gooey and ready to talk.  Maybe I can convince him to go on an over-nighter somewhere…He always makes me feel better.

Life can be pretty damn bittersweet, but I’m just looking for a sunny day.



et cetera