Yeah I've Cried Those Tears Before…











{November 29, 2011}   Misery

*Please note…this entry has taken many days weeks for me to write and has been VERY difficult for me!  Hitting the PUBLISH button is going to be one of the hardest things for me to do in my life.  I am a MESS right now.  My life is a mess right now.  My family is a mess right now.  I don’t know where life is headed and I don’t know where to go.*

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Before I begin….I know, I know…I haven’t posted in forever, and a day, and then you can add a few more days on top of that.

I guess I haven’t found a real reason, or desire to write.  I guess I just lost my mojo for a while, if that makes sense at all.  Maybe it was one night when I was sitting on the couch typing out a blog entry and my sister saw me and went “OH MY GOD, YOU BLOG!?!?!” like it was some sort of eternal sin.  I have no idea.

But anyways, For right now, I am back and you have to deal with me!

The last couple of months have been insane.  Actually, I don’t think insane is the proper way to even describe the past few months.

I was diagnosed with Achilles Tendonitis in late September after having severe ankle pain that had been progressively getting worse over the past couple of months.

How in the HELL *I* got Achilles Tendonitis is so way over my head, I still can’t even grasp the concept nearly two months later!  Runners, joggers, people who do something exercise related get this, not people who do NOTHING!

Needless to say, my primary care doctor, the radiologists, AND my surgeon, they were all baffled as well!

While seeing the surgeon for the tendonitis, I also decided I may as well get bunions on both feet looked at.

Long story short, I had a bunion on both feet removed, as well as the tendonitis taken care of.

All is healing fairly well, I’m having some minor discomfort in my left foot, which I plan on discussing with my surgeon when I see him in a little less than two weeks.

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I remember I was driving to the car dealership to get the license plates for my new car.  I was on 423 right by the new Kroger that was just 2 weeks away from its grand opening when my phone rang.  I looked down and it was my sister, so I picked up the phone.  She asked where my father was, because he wasn’t answering his phone, and it was off! (Which it NEVER is!)

She sounded frantic!

I explained to her that my father was on a plane back to Texas from a business trip and asked her what was going on.

She explained that her fiancée/sons father (My nephew was then a day shy of 6 months old) got in a HUGE verbal argument and ended with her fiancée throwing her against a wall in front of my nephew and him kicking the both of them out.

My sister, and my nephew, were making the 3 and a half hour trek, down to Texas, to move in with us.

My nephew hates sleeping at night.  They share a room next to mine.  All I hear all night is screaming.  She doesn’t want to/can’t find a job.  She is lazy and does nothing but play on Facebook all day long.  I don’t know how much longer I can handle her being around.

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Last spring, my brother’s wife filed for divorce, had a change of heart and they got back together.  A couple of weeks ago, my brother filed for divorce.

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Halloween.  The day we became a one (and a half*) income family.  Four adults and a baby.  My father lost his job.  I lost my main source of health insurance.  Luckily, my Medicare was set to kick in the NEXT day, however, I don’t have prescription coverage until the first of the year.  I’ve had to cut my medication dosage drastically, which has given me the worst migraines I’ve ever experienced in my life.  I’ve had days where I could barely walk and barely function at all.

My mother and I are getting more depressed as each day passes.

My father is getting depressed and barely job hunting.  Hell, he’s barely doing anything.  At all, like my sister.  They’re a lot alike.  They both sit on the couch all day playing on their laptops while I spend the day taking care of the house.  I cook.  I do laundry.  I clean.  I grocery shop.  They sit and watch.  It’s complete bullshit.

Tonight, or shall I say, last night, since it’s nearly 4am, my mother and I agreed we know NOTHING about what’s going on in this house or our family life, we just ‘live in this house.’

(*The half income is my disability check.)

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Throughout the month of November, my friend Megan, has been challenging people to conquer their fears through #OpEleanor…big or small….1 fear a day, for 30 days…of course, I didn’t accomplish 1 a day for 30 days, and one of my fears WAS posting this entry by the end of the month so I AM checking it off the list, but I did accomplish a huge task.

If you know me, or follow me on twitter, you know that my 2-year-old niece, Danica, and my 7 month old nephew, Adrian are my life!

Despite the hardships this holiday season, I decided that I did NOT want them to go without on Christmas.  I began my Christmas shopping back in late September and I finished just the other day! (I think!)  With the receipts I have saved, (I may have thrown away a couple of them.) I have spent roughly $1500 on the two kids to ensure they have the best Christmas ever!

Yes, Adrian got a new car seat which was a couple hundred dollars, and Danica got an equally expensive toddler bed set (which both children need!) they both will be spoiled with toys galore and clothes to last them through the next year!

I also told my parents that since I spent so much that they don’t need to worry about purchasing anything for the kids.  (Besides the $100 each my Mom took the mothers out on a kids clothes shopping spree for!)

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And for me for Christmas?  I bought myself an 11 inch MacBook Air about a month ago, which I’m in love with, and just today….or well, now yesterday…I bought myself a Vera Bradley backpack which was an awesome Cyber Monday deal!  I’ll give it to my parents and let them wrap the box and put it under the tree!

All I need for Christmas is to see Danica and Adrian’s faces light up on Christmas!

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