Yeah I've Cried Those Tears Before…











{December 27, 2011}   Christmas Time

Oh, Christmas tree!  Yes, I know the lights are out in the middle-ish, but to be quite honest, we didn’t care this year and didn’t want to re-string the lights on the entire darn tree, so we just let it be due to the down mood in the household this season.  So really, we just let it be and went with it, and of course, the only ornaments Danica ever took of the tree, was in that one spot!  Ooooh two year olds!

While this post is going to be  full of ranting, know that I am fully grateful for the few gifts I did receive, as well as all of my family and my friends.  I may complain about my family, but I wouldn’t trade them for the world!  Especially my mother, she is my lifeline and my strength.  She understands that while I “look” fine, most of the time there are tears behind my smile. She lets me help as much as I can and knows when I can’t…and offers help so I don’t feel like a burden! I am truly blessed!

My niece Danica, who is 2 years and 4 months old, and my 8 and a half month old nephew, Adrian totally rock my world.  I savor EVERY SINGLE hug and kiss from them.  My brother and sister don’t realize that I love the both of them as if they were my own.  I want them to have everything the world has to offer them.  They are my world.  and the reason I fight to live.

July 2011

June 2011

Due to my brothers’ work schedule we had our Christmas a week early.  Danica and Adrian both received a plethora of toys and clothes.  They made out like bandits and were very happy with what they received.

Here are some pictures.

Me, My Sister, My Brother, My Nephew, and My Niece.

I simply ADORE the way Adrian and Danica look at each other!

Kiddos opening presents with the help of their proud parents!

Danica the "Splorer!"

On Christmas Day, we woke up, and Adrian had another stock of presents another the tree because SANTA had come to visit him on Christmas morning!

Adrian, wondering if he is at the zoo, or actually at home!

This will eventually turn into a tricycle! He LOVES this thing! +1 point for Aunt Janet! DING!

Not only is it a walker, but....

He can also RIDE on it, AND....

He can even EAT the dinosaur!

Now, with, or without elaboration, and in no specific order I’d like to tell you the top 10 reasons why Christmas 2011 sucked.  And I’d like to note.  When I say Christmas 2011, I mean Christmas Day, as in December 25, 2011.

1.  I had a killer migraine ALL. DAY.  LONG.  No matter what medications I took, how much caffeine or water I drank, or how much I rested, it wouldn’t ease up.  It was horrid!

2.  It didn’t even even SEEM like Christmas.  Of course we had the tree up, the house decorated and all of the indoor Christmas lights on (the tree, the garland.)  The Christmas music was playing, and the house smelt like Christmas due to the candles my mother had burning, however, it just didn’t feel like Christmas at all.

3.  My brother is now working 3 hours and 40 minutes away from home and was unable to come home for Christmas Day.  Unlike the last two years, he worked about an hour away and was able to make it home for Christmas dinner.  Not seeing my brother for Christmas, and just being able to talk to him for about 5 minutes on the phone broke my heart.  AND he got hit in the face (by himself!) RIGHT under his eye with a wrench, and had to goto the ER and get two stitches.  Thank GOD he didn’t hit his eye!  Merry Christmas to himself!

4.  I didn’t get to see, or talk to my niece, Danica, AT ALL on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.  It breaks my heart that by her third birthday Danica will have two homes.  This custody battle is going to be hell.

5. I realized that I AM, indeed allergic to wool.  Would anyone like a wool sweater?  It is a lovely sweater.  I only had to take 2 Allegra’s and 2 Benadryl’s on Christmas Day!  Wahoo!

6.  My family was on edge ALL.DAY.LONG.  !!!!

7. As a courtesy to Adrian’s father, despite the restraining order, our family allowed him, his other son, and his Grandparents to come over and visit with Adrian on Christmas evening.  There was a little bit of arguing that happened and it was VERY uncomfortable!  Now, this custody battle….HAHAHAHA….THIS custody battle is going to be the real bitch!!

8.  I have a cousin in the hospital, ON Christmas, which is coincidentally, her 15th birthday, for attempting suicide.  Honestly, we aren’t close, we actually barely know each other, but, my heart hurts for her.  I HAVE been there before.  I HAVE attempted suicide.  MORE than once.  I know what she’s going through.  My heart is breaking for her.  I wish I could be there for her right now.

9.  My equilibrium was completely off all day.  I tripped a few times over absolutely nothing, and it was to the point of major annoyance where it brought me to tears.  It is one of those Chiari things I still need to learn to accept.

10.  And finally….we were out of EggNog!  It was horrible I tell you!

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{December 16, 2011}   You Never Know….

Who am I?  I figured I’ve posted 11 posts and you don’t know that much about who I actually am, therefore, I’m going to do the obscure ’50 things about me’ post!  Fair warning, the first few posts, I’m going to group a few ‘things’ facts together, because I think it’s quite stupid to post a random thing just saying my age!   Let’s get this thing rolling!

1. My name is Janet.  I was born August 13, 1985 in Buffalo, New York.

2. I currently reside in Frisco, Texas, however, I have lived in New York twice in my life, Texas three times in my life, and Kansas once in my life.

3. I barely remember living in Kansas.  We only lived there, in 2 separate cities, for a little less than 2 years, from the ages of 13 months old until right before I turned 3.

4. What I remember from Kansas is my brother pushing me down our small staircase, and my brother and I having the chicken pox and staring out the sliding glass door at my sister playing in the snow.  That’s about it!

5.  We moved to Texas a week before I turned three and lived in a Holiday Inn for 3 weeks because the closing on our kept being pushed back.  My mom says it was the worst 3 weeks of her life!  An 8-year-old, 5-year-old, and a 3-year-old, living in a hotel room with two adults.  Yuck!

6. I remember when we finally got into the house, my brother and I were playing with trains in the hallway and one of the movers yelled at me to get out-of-the-way, and my brother, age 5, yelled, “HEY!  YOU BE NICE TO MY JANET!”  Obviously, I’ve had him wrapped around my finger (and still do!) since a very young age.

7. I honestly don’t know all too much about my medical history from when I was a baby.  I’ve asked my parents but they say it’s too difficult to talk about.  I know I wasn’t suppose to live as long as I have lived. I was never supposed to walk, talk, or ride a bike.  Obviously, I’ve done all of the above.

8.  When I was born I was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. and I couldn’t swallow food on my own.  All of my food was given to me via feeding tube.  I’m not sure for exactly HOW long, but I know it was well until we lived in Kansas, so I was at least past the age of one.  My mom had to call a nurse whenever I needed to eat and she’d come give me food via the feeding tube.

9. I started wearing glasses at the age of 8 months old.  I don’t know how old I was when I began to walk, but I know I was later than most.  I didn’t learn to tie a shoe until the 3rd grade.  Also, I learned to ride a bike without training wheels when I was 10 in the summer of 1996.

10. My best friend is a guy.  I’ve known him since we were 3 years old and we met at the park by our house.  I went and visited him in September and we went to a concert together.  He took a picture of us and posted it on a Facebook.  My brother and his sister both commented about how much we look related.  We also went out to two bars that night and EVERYONE thought we were related.  It something we are totally used to after 23 years of friendship and we usually just go with it and say we are siblings.  It’s just more fun that way!

11. At the end of September I bought a brand new 2011 Silver Nissan Versa hatchback that had 102 miles on it.  as of last night, it had 836 miles on it.  Obviously, I don’t get out that much.

12. Off the top of my head, I’ve had 14 surgeries in my life.  Brain, nose, eyes, feet, Achilles, hernia.

13. The first movie I remember seeing in the theater was a double feature…The Lion King and Aladdin I slept through The Lion King.

14.  My brothers’ nickname for me is Pop-Tart.  I’m hard on the outside, but I’m soft on the inside.  Can you tell I don’t like talking about how I feel?  He’s the only one he can really break down my walls.

15.  Speaking of Pop-Tarts, or, food for that matter…I’ve been craving IHOP for well over a month now, and my brother is taking me there for breakfast either Thursday or Friday.  He agreed to it the other day via text message to which I responded “If you’re nice, I’ll even let you pay! 🙂 I’m the best sister ever, I know!” to which he responded “Totally, I’ll have to be extra nice, I guess!”  Reason number 23947239 why I love him!

16. Him and I have almost gotten in SCREAMING fights in the middle of restaurants over who is going to pay.  He always wins.  He NEVER lets me pay.  It pisses me off.

17. I really HATE Mariah Carey, all though, I think my ALL TIME favorite Christmas song is Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You”!

18. I bought the movie ‘Friends With Benefits’ the day it came out. Ever since, I’ve been ADDICTED to the song ‘Closing Time’ by Semisonic!

19. I have to go to the AT&T store today.  the iPod on my iPhone is not playing songs correctly.  I have to touch the song ABOVE the song I want to hear to actually hear it.  Does that make sense?  Probably not, but that’s the only way I know how to describe it!

20. I’m the only left-handed person in my family.  I like setting the table for dinner.  It pisses my sister off drives my sister nuts when I set the table for lefties!

21.  My sister and I only get along about 2 percent of the time.  And no, that is NOT an exaggeration,

22.  I live with my mother, my father, my 31-year-old sister, and my 8 month old nephew, Adrian!

23.  I have Chiari 1 Malformation and Syringomyelia.  Basically my brain was at one point crushing my spinal cord, and I had a massive cerebral spinal fluid build up in my spinal cord.

24.  My first neurosurgeon left 3 staples in my brain.  They were in there for almost 3 years.  I have the staples.

25. Due to my medical condition, me and my family agree that it’s pretty much not an option for me to ever live alone.

26. Due to the fact that I’ve decided that I don’t want to get married or be in any sort of relationship, I’ve come to the realization and accepted that I’m going to live with my parents forever.  I’m totally cool with it.  My mom and I are kind of BFF’s, ya know!  🙂

27.  I AM an insomniac.  One to two nights a week, I don’t sleep at all.  I decided tonight, in a fit of insomnia, that I ‘d like to start collecting something.  Something different.  Not like, hats, or scarfs, or pins.  Something that involves something I LOVE!  I want to start collecting Starbucks mugs with city names on them.  I want to get as many different city mugs as possible!  I think it would be cool!   So if anyone would be willing to buy me a mug and mail it to me, let me know, and I will mail them a check for the cost of the mug, and the shipping cost!

28.  When I go to Starbucks I either get: A) Venti 8 pump Vanilla Latte.  B) Venti 10 pump Iced Vanilla Latte with very very VERY light icec or  C) Trenta iced coffee with 3 shots of espresso.  And, please note, if you pronounce espresso with an “X” sound, I will forever want to cut you, and you really don’t deserve to be drinking it!

29. My niece Danica was born on August 8, 2009 and my nephew Adrian was born on April 12, 2011.  I didn’t get to meet Danica until August 22nd.  The first time I saw her and held her, I said “Oh my god, You’re Such A Doll, My Dear!”  Months later, my favorite band, Hanson released a song called ‘And I Waited’ and “You’re Such A Doll, My Dear” was lyric from the song.  When I met Taylor Hanson on November 1st, 2010, I had him write on the lyrics, and on November 8, 2010, I had them tattooed on my back.  Danica now always has my back!   I met Adrian when he was about  2 hours old.  I have a tattoo planned for him that involves numbers, however, I’m waiting until he is older and figures out his favorite color so I can get it in his favorite color, which I’m about 99.9% sure will be blue, since he’s a boy and all!

30. My niece, Danica, finally just learned how to give actual kisses.  When she was here last night, her and I were playing “Night Night” where we pretend to goto sleep, and then she wakes me up by screaming “SURPRISE!” I dragged the game on for almost an hour, because every time we went “Night Night” I got a REAL kiss from her.  It was the best feeling in the world!

31. I am addicted to Starbucks Coffee, TOMS Shoes, Scarfs, my RayBan glasses and my red RayBan sunglasses, and Vera Bradley.  My favorite Vera Bradley pattern is ‘Buttercup.’  I went in there not to long ago just to look around and I nearly broke down in tears when the lady working told me that Buttercup was being retired!  I also LOVE Folkloric and Loves Me!

32. I can not remember a day in my life when we have been out of M&Ms in my house.  Seriously.  My mom, my sister, and me, we are all addicted.  My sister and I prefer plain, while my mom prefers peanut.

33. As Amazing Greis wrote on her 100 random thing list,  I too, have seen every episode of Survivor.  I will one up her, and go as far as saying I’ve also seen every episode of Big Brother!

34. My name was going to be Jacqueline, however, my brother couldn’t say Jacqueline so my parents changed it to Janet.  I HATE the name Janet and have been considering legally changing my name for years.  I’m just not quite sure what I would change it to.

35.  My favorite color is purple.  It has been all my life.  The Chiari (see number 23) awareness ribbon color is also purple, which is totally awesome for me!  Danica’s favorite color is also purple!  I swear, she is a woman after my own heart!

36.  In the fall of 2007, I decided I wanted to dye my hair Strawberry Blonde, my mom has been dying her and my sisters hair for many many years, so my mom and I picked out the color and dyed it in our basement on a Friday night.  My hair did NOT come out Strawberry Blonde though.  It came out Bozo-The-Clown ORANGE!!!!

37. This random fact is currently being written in my local Apple store as I wait at the ‘Genius Bar’ for a ‘Genius’ to look at my iPhone regarding random fact number 19.  P.S.  The guy just scared the living hell out of me coming to help me.  I just jumped out of my seat!

38. The dude at the Apple store uploaded all my picture from my phone to to my computer the other day!  I think my next post is going to be pictures!  Wahoo!  Cute pictures of kiddos!  Things and places I love….That really makes me wish I didn’t delete a lot of the pictures I did delete…Damn!

39.  This post was originally going to be 100 random things, after about 20, I cut it down to 50.  I didn’t really expect myself to write nearly an entire paragraph for each random fact.  Go me!

40.  For Christmas, (which is either going to be Saturday or Sunday here due to my brothers work schedule (I am most excited for Danica to her toy cash register, and for Adrian to see his new bike thingy, even though he’ll totally just be into the box, or the paper!)

41. I gave my brother his Ducati motorcycle backpack on Thursday.  I haven’t seen him that happy in a VERY long time.  He hugged me so tightly, I fell over.  He then told me how great of a sister I was, and how much he loved me.  I love spoiling the people I love the most in my life.

42. Even though we have an abundance of cookies in the freezer, today when Danica comes over, we’re going to make a batch of (pre-packaged) chocolate chip cookies.  She (we) likes to eat cookie dough and I’m in the mood to bake, so I feel its a win-win situation for a Friday morning!

43. Yes, I do realize I started this blog entry on Monday, December 12, 2011, and I’m finally finishing it on Friday, December 16, 2011!  At least I am finishing it though!  Numbers 1-37 were written on Monday, while 38-50 were Friday Morning!

44. The Dallas Mavericks are doing an open to the public practice tonight that my dad and brother are going to and they want me to go with them.  I totally WANT to go.  I mean, I AM a Mavs fan…I’ve got the shirt…Hello Dirk!  And now that they’ve got Lamar Odom, it’d be pretty cool to go see him, but I don’t think I can handle doing all the walking, so I think I’ll just sit at home with Mom, watch some Christmas movies, and eat some M&M’s for the night!  🙂

45.My chick best friend is Marissa, and her nickname that *everyone* calls her is Marmy.  I don’t know why, but I don’t think I have I once ever referred to her as Marmy.  I either call her Mar or Marissa!

46. Tonight at dinner, we had pork chops, and Danica had a hot dog.  Danica was sitting next to me.  I put a piece of pork chop in my mouth and she started SCREAMING that she just HAD.TO.HAVE. the piece of pork chop I put in my mouth of she was just going to die.  I finally gave in, put the piece of meat in her mouth, she chewed it for about 5 seconds and went “Ewww, Na Nanet!  Yucky!” pulled it out, and put it back in my mouth.  And yes, I totally ate the piece of meat.

47. IHOP New York Style Cheesecake Pancake…DELICIOUS!

48. Apparently, yesterday was National Cupcake Day, and I didn’t find out until late in the day.  I had a cupcake Monday….does that count?  It’s still the same week!  And it was a Carrot Cake Cupcake!  And Oh MY God!  It was soooo good!

49. I never, in my wildest dreams thought I could write a blog post over 2,000 worsts long, but this post, has surpassed that, by over 400 words!  I am completely shocked, and proud of myself!

50.  I wear 4 rings every day.  They only come off when I shower.  A diamond ring I bought myself to pose as an engagement ring.  I don’t plan on getting married.  My Hanson symbol ring.  The ring my Dad and grandmother bought me the day I was born, and my pink sapphire ring.  I feel naked without them!  I also always wear a Chiairi awareness bracelet and a medical alert bracelet!.

There’s a little bit (a lot!) about me!  Now you know!



{November 29, 2011}   Misery

*Please note…this entry has taken many days weeks for me to write and has been VERY difficult for me!  Hitting the PUBLISH button is going to be one of the hardest things for me to do in my life.  I am a MESS right now.  My life is a mess right now.  My family is a mess right now.  I don’t know where life is headed and I don’t know where to go.*

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Before I begin….I know, I know…I haven’t posted in forever, and a day, and then you can add a few more days on top of that.

I guess I haven’t found a real reason, or desire to write.  I guess I just lost my mojo for a while, if that makes sense at all.  Maybe it was one night when I was sitting on the couch typing out a blog entry and my sister saw me and went “OH MY GOD, YOU BLOG!?!?!” like it was some sort of eternal sin.  I have no idea.

But anyways, For right now, I am back and you have to deal with me!

The last couple of months have been insane.  Actually, I don’t think insane is the proper way to even describe the past few months.

I was diagnosed with Achilles Tendonitis in late September after having severe ankle pain that had been progressively getting worse over the past couple of months.

How in the HELL *I* got Achilles Tendonitis is so way over my head, I still can’t even grasp the concept nearly two months later!  Runners, joggers, people who do something exercise related get this, not people who do NOTHING!

Needless to say, my primary care doctor, the radiologists, AND my surgeon, they were all baffled as well!

While seeing the surgeon for the tendonitis, I also decided I may as well get bunions on both feet looked at.

Long story short, I had a bunion on both feet removed, as well as the tendonitis taken care of.

All is healing fairly well, I’m having some minor discomfort in my left foot, which I plan on discussing with my surgeon when I see him in a little less than two weeks.

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I remember I was driving to the car dealership to get the license plates for my new car.  I was on 423 right by the new Kroger that was just 2 weeks away from its grand opening when my phone rang.  I looked down and it was my sister, so I picked up the phone.  She asked where my father was, because he wasn’t answering his phone, and it was off! (Which it NEVER is!)

She sounded frantic!

I explained to her that my father was on a plane back to Texas from a business trip and asked her what was going on.

She explained that her fiancée/sons father (My nephew was then a day shy of 6 months old) got in a HUGE verbal argument and ended with her fiancée throwing her against a wall in front of my nephew and him kicking the both of them out.

My sister, and my nephew, were making the 3 and a half hour trek, down to Texas, to move in with us.

My nephew hates sleeping at night.  They share a room next to mine.  All I hear all night is screaming.  She doesn’t want to/can’t find a job.  She is lazy and does nothing but play on Facebook all day long.  I don’t know how much longer I can handle her being around.

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Last spring, my brother’s wife filed for divorce, had a change of heart and they got back together.  A couple of weeks ago, my brother filed for divorce.

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Halloween.  The day we became a one (and a half*) income family.  Four adults and a baby.  My father lost his job.  I lost my main source of health insurance.  Luckily, my Medicare was set to kick in the NEXT day, however, I don’t have prescription coverage until the first of the year.  I’ve had to cut my medication dosage drastically, which has given me the worst migraines I’ve ever experienced in my life.  I’ve had days where I could barely walk and barely function at all.

My mother and I are getting more depressed as each day passes.

My father is getting depressed and barely job hunting.  Hell, he’s barely doing anything.  At all, like my sister.  They’re a lot alike.  They both sit on the couch all day playing on their laptops while I spend the day taking care of the house.  I cook.  I do laundry.  I clean.  I grocery shop.  They sit and watch.  It’s complete bullshit.

Tonight, or shall I say, last night, since it’s nearly 4am, my mother and I agreed we know NOTHING about what’s going on in this house or our family life, we just ‘live in this house.’

(*The half income is my disability check.)

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Throughout the month of November, my friend Megan, has been challenging people to conquer their fears through #OpEleanor…big or small….1 fear a day, for 30 days…of course, I didn’t accomplish 1 a day for 30 days, and one of my fears WAS posting this entry by the end of the month so I AM checking it off the list, but I did accomplish a huge task.

If you know me, or follow me on twitter, you know that my 2-year-old niece, Danica, and my 7 month old nephew, Adrian are my life!

Despite the hardships this holiday season, I decided that I did NOT want them to go without on Christmas.  I began my Christmas shopping back in late September and I finished just the other day! (I think!)  With the receipts I have saved, (I may have thrown away a couple of them.) I have spent roughly $1500 on the two kids to ensure they have the best Christmas ever!

Yes, Adrian got a new car seat which was a couple hundred dollars, and Danica got an equally expensive toddler bed set (which both children need!) they both will be spoiled with toys galore and clothes to last them through the next year!

I also told my parents that since I spent so much that they don’t need to worry about purchasing anything for the kids.  (Besides the $100 each my Mom took the mothers out on a kids clothes shopping spree for!)

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And for me for Christmas?  I bought myself an 11 inch MacBook Air about a month ago, which I’m in love with, and just today….or well, now yesterday…I bought myself a Vera Bradley backpack which was an awesome Cyber Monday deal!  I’ll give it to my parents and let them wrap the box and put it under the tree!

All I need for Christmas is to see Danica and Adrian’s faces light up on Christmas!



Last Wednesday afternoon was my last day watching Danica.  I’ll admit I shed a tear or two.  My days now feel lost not watching her.  This evening, when her and my brother came over to watch the Cowboys game was the first time I’ve seen her since Wednesday.  It seems like she’s grown.

The pain is out of freaking control.  I can’t handle it.  I don’t want to have to attempt to handle it anymore.  The pain knocks me out and then I get yelled at for sleeping so much.  I feel a mental breakdown coming on.

I need to schedule an appointment with my neurologist.

I wish I could be the person who falls asleep at 10 at night and gets up at 6 in the morning.

As of right now, in this moment, I don’t want to give up.  I don’t want to end this fight.  However, I am close.

I don’t want to miss the milestones.

I want to see Danica and Adrian grow up.

Graduate.

Get married.

I don’t want to miss any of that.

However, I feel my days are limited.

But, don’t cry, the fight ain’t over!



{May 24, 2011}   Facing the Blank Page

I know I haven’t blogged in….pretty much forever.  I sit here, in my office, facing the blank page of the blog screen wondering what I should blog about.  There is so much on my mind.  So much I could randomly ramble about.  So much I would love to get off my chest.  I know what I want to say, but really…where should I begin?

When I began this blog, it was for my own outlet.  A way to say the things that I won’t dare vocalize out loud.  My big “HELLO WORLD!  I AM SICK, CAN YOU HEAR ME?!” type outlet.

It’s also my own big pity party, online.

The day after my last post, my nephew Adrian Robert Donald was born.  A healthy 7 pounds and 20 inches long.  He had a few issues after birth with his weight, but luckily, everything worked out and he is a perfect baby!  I love him so much!  He’s a total keeper and loves to cuddle which is a total plus in my book!  He is already growing at the speed of light and has already changed so much in the past 6 weeks!

In other kiddo news, Danica has lost her baby blue eyes and her eyes are now the exact same color as mine.  I noticed this on Friday afternoon when we were at her house looking out the front window at the UPS truck driving down the street, I sat there in shock.

Adrian and I have a weird bond having to due with social security numbers, and now Danica and I have the same color eyes and I have a tattoo for her.  I am the proudest aunt in the world.

I also found out that I was, in fact, approved for disability, and got back pay to November 2009, which took a whole load of stress of my family and myself!

Oh, did I also mention I’ve had not one, but TWO surgeries since my last post!?

Yesterday, May 23rd was the 19 year anniversary of my Grandmothers death.  Although I was only 6 years old when she died, I still miss her every day.  My mom and I were both quite down and depressed yesterday.  We didn’t talk about it, we didn’t mention it, but we both knew why.  I always go back to May 23, 1992 in my mind.  My dad and my siblings were at Six Flags that day.  My sister had a school trip that day and my dad took me and my brother along.  I don’t remember a whole lot about the day, except for riding the carousel quite a bit because when your six years old, the carousel is the coolest. thing. ever!

What I do remember what when I got home.  I ran in the front door, excited to tell my mom about how much fun Six Flags was and I found her in the kitchen, crying uncontrollably, throwing oranges at the wall.  I didn’t understand what was going on.

In fact, I really didn’t understand what was going on until we returned home from New York a couple of weeks later and Saturday morning rolled around and Nana didn’t call at 10a.m. like she did every Saturday morning.

I wish I would have had her around longer.  May 23rd sure does suck.

I took a fall on May 13th (which I JUST.NOW.REALIZED was a Friday!) and hurt myself pretty badly.  I prefer not to go in to any detail on here on the extent of my injuries, however, it is requiring minor surgery on June 9th and all will be well from that point on. Lets just say, the lack of heart medication is a total bitch, and concrete is a total bitch as well.

May 14th was pretty awesome because I got to see some of my favorite people in the world.  The spoon count that day was VERY low due to the previous days fall, however, when you spend loads of cash on a hotel and travel, you just can’t waste the money away.

As I was lying in bed the other night and the painsomnia was acting up, I decided I was a dog.  Not a big dog, but a cute, little, tiny dog that can cuddle up in bed with me…

RANDOM!  I think Rayban needs to come out with a purple pair of Wayfarers before August 13th!  Also, do not use #hashtags in text messages to your mother!

This next part is for one person only…this one person will be getting a message letting them know it’s for them…and if they want to contact me…they know how to contact me….I will not play the guessing game on “Oh who is that for?” Please…don’t ask!

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I’m sorry…for everything…I’m not a strong person and you know that.  You made me a stronger person, and without you, I’ve grown incredibly weak.  In fact, I think you know I’m the most stubborn person in the universe and the last thing in the world I would ever want to do IS apologize, unless it was sincere.  My only lifeline was you.  Without you in my life, I feel like I am nothing.  I feel like I am not thriving in this world, just living, or perhaps, just barely surviving, if even that.

Maybe this note is very…very much long over due, but maybe, without you, I have nothing to live for, nothing to prove in life, or nothing to fight for?  You hurt me, too.  Maybe all these feelings started up when I was in Oklahoma City, for the birth of my nephew, and got pissed off and had to send you an e-mail thinking I saw someone I thought I (we) (you) knew…I don’t know.  I just looked back at the e-mail I sent you, and I may have come off as a little lot bitchy, and I’m sorry.  I was frustrated, tired, sick, and overwhelmed.  I don’t know!  Maybe my balance was off that morning and THAT IS WHY he couldn’t take his eyes off me, I just don’t know!

Everyone makes mistakes in their life.  Nobody, and I mean NOBODY is perfect.  I know the both of us are in completely different place in our lives right now, but, please, just talk to me…even, write me back from where I send you this link…let me know you read this.  Please, I am begging you.  We both made mistakes…big mistakes.  I’m not asking for what we had, at all.  I’m asking for you to talk to me.  Not even TALK to me.  I’m asking for you to e-mail me back.  Please.

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Alright…moving right along!

I really don’t know why jelly beans are so damn addictive…same with M&M’s!

Also, I can’t wait until November so I can upgrade my cell phone.  I love my Blackberry (mainly because it has a purple case) but more because I want an Phone!

After I get my iPhone, I will have 3 iPods, and an iPod, and the new saying for me will be, ‘Diamonds, and Apple products are a girls best friend!”  Oh!  And Toms shoes!  Can’t forget the Toms shoes!

I’ve only been home for 8 days from my mini vacation and I already feel like I need another one.  I don’t know where I want to go.  I feel like I just want to get in my car, drive for a few hours, or even a day, stay in a hotel for a night or two and collect my thoughts.  Figure out what I want to do with everything.  Everything including my life.

My brother, Philip, calls my Pop-Tart–his reasoning is that I’m tough on the outside, but once you get inside, I’m all gooey and ready to talk.  Maybe I can convince him to go on an over-nighter somewhere…He always makes me feel better.

Life can be pretty damn bittersweet, but I’m just looking for a sunny day.



{April 11, 2011}   A much needed update!

I know I have neglected this blog.  I also know that if I wrote out a full paragraph for everything that has recently occurred, this post would be thousands of words long, and would lose the interest of every single person reading this post, and most likely myself as well as I type it out.  I feel a sentence or two for each topic will gladly suffice and fit.  If more is needed, than I will gladly elaborate.

My mom went to the doctor last week.  Her ankle is healing wonderfully.  She goes back on May 11th, and hopefully she can ditch the walking boot for good then!

My sister should be giving birth any day now.  She’s 38 weeks and 5 days, but at 38 weeks 0 days she was measuring 40 weeks even, so any day now.  It’s just a waiting game!

My brother took me for a late lunch/early dinner Friday at Golden Chick, and it was TO DIE FOR wonderful.

I got my first ever sunburn yesterday, which is shocking, because I’m a pale person, and I live in the south.  The sunburn is on my neck, shoulders, and brain surgery scar.  I pretty much want to kill somebody.

Hopefully tomorrow…or shall I say today (Monday) I should find out if I was approved for disability or not.

I also plan on enjoying a vanilla latte today, too!

My dose of neurontin was also doubled last week.

I was also put on a 24 muscle relaxer, however, I can not start it until next week when my body gets adjusted to the neurontin.

I have an appointment with my pain management doctor today at 4.

Before my appointment, I have to go have a tough conversation with a friend today.

At the appointment, I’m going to tell the doctor I want a neuro-stimulator implanted.  If he denies to do the procedure or says he doesn’t perform the procedure, I’m going to find a doctor who does/will do the procedure.

I’m SERIOUSLY at the end of the line.

The neuro-stimulator is the final straw, the final life-line.

I’m quickly slipping away.

Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

King Andy is losing me.  Dani Bug is losing me. Adrian Bear isn’t even born yet, and he is already losing me.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

I’ve learned so many bad horrible things about a family member in the past few days that have completely blown my mind.  I found out this family member is responsible for the suicide of someone.   It breaks my heart.

I’ve learned a lot of what I’ve been told has been lies.

However, I know the two previous statements are true.

If I don’t get this neuro-stimulator, or some much needed relief sometime soon, VERY SOON…

I don’t know, I SERIOUSLY don’t know what is going to happen…

Depression is a bitch…a huge bitch…

Depression makes you do some seriously screwed up things, and so does pain.

For anyone that is healthy, you try waking up one day and being in constant pain with absolutely no motivation to do anything, including living.  do it for one day…walk a day in my shoes, and then tell me how you feel.

You wouldn’t want to live either.

 



et cetera