Yeah I've Cried Those Tears Before…











{May 24, 2011}   Facing the Blank Page

I know I haven’t blogged in….pretty much forever.  I sit here, in my office, facing the blank page of the blog screen wondering what I should blog about.  There is so much on my mind.  So much I could randomly ramble about.  So much I would love to get off my chest.  I know what I want to say, but really…where should I begin?

When I began this blog, it was for my own outlet.  A way to say the things that I won’t dare vocalize out loud.  My big “HELLO WORLD!  I AM SICK, CAN YOU HEAR ME?!” type outlet.

It’s also my own big pity party, online.

The day after my last post, my nephew Adrian Robert Donald was born.  A healthy 7 pounds and 20 inches long.  He had a few issues after birth with his weight, but luckily, everything worked out and he is a perfect baby!  I love him so much!  He’s a total keeper and loves to cuddle which is a total plus in my book!  He is already growing at the speed of light and has already changed so much in the past 6 weeks!

In other kiddo news, Danica has lost her baby blue eyes and her eyes are now the exact same color as mine.  I noticed this on Friday afternoon when we were at her house looking out the front window at the UPS truck driving down the street, I sat there in shock.

Adrian and I have a weird bond having to due with social security numbers, and now Danica and I have the same color eyes and I have a tattoo for her.  I am the proudest aunt in the world.

I also found out that I was, in fact, approved for disability, and got back pay to November 2009, which took a whole load of stress of my family and myself!

Oh, did I also mention I’ve had not one, but TWO surgeries since my last post!?

Yesterday, May 23rd was the 19 year anniversary of my Grandmothers death.  Although I was only 6 years old when she died, I still miss her every day.  My mom and I were both quite down and depressed yesterday.  We didn’t talk about it, we didn’t mention it, but we both knew why.  I always go back to May 23, 1992 in my mind.  My dad and my siblings were at Six Flags that day.  My sister had a school trip that day and my dad took me and my brother along.  I don’t remember a whole lot about the day, except for riding the carousel quite a bit because when your six years old, the carousel is the coolest. thing. ever!

What I do remember what when I got home.  I ran in the front door, excited to tell my mom about how much fun Six Flags was and I found her in the kitchen, crying uncontrollably, throwing oranges at the wall.  I didn’t understand what was going on.

In fact, I really didn’t understand what was going on until we returned home from New York a couple of weeks later and Saturday morning rolled around and Nana didn’t call at 10a.m. like she did every Saturday morning.

I wish I would have had her around longer.  May 23rd sure does suck.

I took a fall on May 13th (which I JUST.NOW.REALIZED was a Friday!) and hurt myself pretty badly.  I prefer not to go in to any detail on here on the extent of my injuries, however, it is requiring minor surgery on June 9th and all will be well from that point on. Lets just say, the lack of heart medication is a total bitch, and concrete is a total bitch as well.

May 14th was pretty awesome because I got to see some of my favorite people in the world.  The spoon count that day was VERY low due to the previous days fall, however, when you spend loads of cash on a hotel and travel, you just can’t waste the money away.

As I was lying in bed the other night and the painsomnia was acting up, I decided I was a dog.  Not a big dog, but a cute, little, tiny dog that can cuddle up in bed with me…

RANDOM!  I think Rayban needs to come out with a purple pair of Wayfarers before August 13th!  Also, do not use #hashtags in text messages to your mother!

This next part is for one person only…this one person will be getting a message letting them know it’s for them…and if they want to contact me…they know how to contact me….I will not play the guessing game on “Oh who is that for?” Please…don’t ask!

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I’m sorry…for everything…I’m not a strong person and you know that.  You made me a stronger person, and without you, I’ve grown incredibly weak.  In fact, I think you know I’m the most stubborn person in the universe and the last thing in the world I would ever want to do IS apologize, unless it was sincere.  My only lifeline was you.  Without you in my life, I feel like I am nothing.  I feel like I am not thriving in this world, just living, or perhaps, just barely surviving, if even that.

Maybe this note is very…very much long over due, but maybe, without you, I have nothing to live for, nothing to prove in life, or nothing to fight for?  You hurt me, too.  Maybe all these feelings started up when I was in Oklahoma City, for the birth of my nephew, and got pissed off and had to send you an e-mail thinking I saw someone I thought I (we) (you) knew…I don’t know.  I just looked back at the e-mail I sent you, and I may have come off as a little lot bitchy, and I’m sorry.  I was frustrated, tired, sick, and overwhelmed.  I don’t know!  Maybe my balance was off that morning and THAT IS WHY he couldn’t take his eyes off me, I just don’t know!

Everyone makes mistakes in their life.  Nobody, and I mean NOBODY is perfect.  I know the both of us are in completely different place in our lives right now, but, please, just talk to me…even, write me back from where I send you this link…let me know you read this.  Please, I am begging you.  We both made mistakes…big mistakes.  I’m not asking for what we had, at all.  I’m asking for you to talk to me.  Not even TALK to me.  I’m asking for you to e-mail me back.  Please.

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Alright…moving right along!

I really don’t know why jelly beans are so damn addictive…same with M&M’s!

Also, I can’t wait until November so I can upgrade my cell phone.  I love my Blackberry (mainly because it has a purple case) but more because I want an Phone!

After I get my iPhone, I will have 3 iPods, and an iPod, and the new saying for me will be, ‘Diamonds, and Apple products are a girls best friend!”  Oh!  And Toms shoes!  Can’t forget the Toms shoes!

I’ve only been home for 8 days from my mini vacation and I already feel like I need another one.  I don’t know where I want to go.  I feel like I just want to get in my car, drive for a few hours, or even a day, stay in a hotel for a night or two and collect my thoughts.  Figure out what I want to do with everything.  Everything including my life.

My brother, Philip, calls my Pop-Tart–his reasoning is that I’m tough on the outside, but once you get inside, I’m all gooey and ready to talk.  Maybe I can convince him to go on an over-nighter somewhere…He always makes me feel better.

Life can be pretty damn bittersweet, but I’m just looking for a sunny day.

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{April 11, 2011}   A much needed update!

I know I have neglected this blog.  I also know that if I wrote out a full paragraph for everything that has recently occurred, this post would be thousands of words long, and would lose the interest of every single person reading this post, and most likely myself as well as I type it out.  I feel a sentence or two for each topic will gladly suffice and fit.  If more is needed, than I will gladly elaborate.

My mom went to the doctor last week.  Her ankle is healing wonderfully.  She goes back on May 11th, and hopefully she can ditch the walking boot for good then!

My sister should be giving birth any day now.  She’s 38 weeks and 5 days, but at 38 weeks 0 days she was measuring 40 weeks even, so any day now.  It’s just a waiting game!

My brother took me for a late lunch/early dinner Friday at Golden Chick, and it was TO DIE FOR wonderful.

I got my first ever sunburn yesterday, which is shocking, because I’m a pale person, and I live in the south.  The sunburn is on my neck, shoulders, and brain surgery scar.  I pretty much want to kill somebody.

Hopefully tomorrow…or shall I say today (Monday) I should find out if I was approved for disability or not.

I also plan on enjoying a vanilla latte today, too!

My dose of neurontin was also doubled last week.

I was also put on a 24 muscle relaxer, however, I can not start it until next week when my body gets adjusted to the neurontin.

I have an appointment with my pain management doctor today at 4.

Before my appointment, I have to go have a tough conversation with a friend today.

At the appointment, I’m going to tell the doctor I want a neuro-stimulator implanted.  If he denies to do the procedure or says he doesn’t perform the procedure, I’m going to find a doctor who does/will do the procedure.

I’m SERIOUSLY at the end of the line.

The neuro-stimulator is the final straw, the final life-line.

I’m quickly slipping away.

Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

King Andy is losing me.  Dani Bug is losing me. Adrian Bear isn’t even born yet, and he is already losing me.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

I’ve learned so many bad horrible things about a family member in the past few days that have completely blown my mind.  I found out this family member is responsible for the suicide of someone.   It breaks my heart.

I’ve learned a lot of what I’ve been told has been lies.

However, I know the two previous statements are true.

If I don’t get this neuro-stimulator, or some much needed relief sometime soon, VERY SOON…

I don’t know, I SERIOUSLY don’t know what is going to happen…

Depression is a bitch…a huge bitch…

Depression makes you do some seriously screwed up things, and so does pain.

For anyone that is healthy, you try waking up one day and being in constant pain with absolutely no motivation to do anything, including living.  do it for one day…walk a day in my shoes, and then tell me how you feel.

You wouldn’t want to live either.

 



{March 22, 2011}   Don’t Think Now

Thursday, after having a chat with one of my best friends, she somehow convinced me to go to the doctor.

I called in, hysterically, and got an appointment for an hour and a half later.

I went in and broke down.

I basically told my doctor, while, yelling, screaming, and crying, that I was fed up with my life.  I was fed up with being sick and living the way I was living.

I was fed up with taking a dozen and a half pills per day and only being 25 years old.  Much less, pills that I’m really unsure if they work or not.

I was INSANELY pissed off that he referred me to a pain management specialist two months ago, and I went that day to set up the appointment.  They told me they’d call me back to schedule and they never called me back. Shockingly, 30 minutes after I left the appointment, I got an appointment with the specialist for this coming Thursday!

I told him how livid I was that at one point in my life I had goals in my life.  I wanted a family, I wanted to go college.  I wanted a career.

Now I just want to be able to get out of bed in the morning with minimal amounts of pain and with the ability to function.

He also doubled my dosage of Paxil.

He also told me I need to find a new psychiatrist, one who doesn’t believe that acupuncture is a ‘sure fire’ fix-all!   Which makes me hope he doesn’t refer other patients to this whack-job in the future!

Today was a pretty awesome day, and seemed to make all my sadness dwindle away, even for just one single day.



{March 17, 2011}   The Water is Dark and Deep

I’m depressed.

Really damn depressed.

I want to go find some dark, deep water, and just drown in it.

I feel worthless.

I feel useless.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

I’m afraid.

I’m lost.



{March 16, 2011}   Quickie

Just a quick little update as my spoon count is already borderline in the negative count and it’s not even 2pm yet.

My mother met with an orthopedic surgeon this morning.  She’s in a walking boot for at LEAST 6 weeks.

She also has to have a dexa bone scan this coming Monday.  The surgeon thinks her bones are cracking due to a major vitamin D deficiency, however, that won’t be known until the results are in later next week.

They also want more blood work on her.

That is all I know right now.

Please excuse me while I return to my lunch of girl scout cookies and a chocolate milk shake.

Thank you for all of the positive thoughts!



{March 16, 2011}   Welcome…

Today, after having a random burst out in tears for no apparent reason, I felt I needed to do something about it.

This blog is going to be a blog of total random ramblings so please, bare with me if you may get lost sometimes….

Rather than dishing out money for a therapist who will just smile and nod at me for an hour and offer no advice, and just waste my time, I’d rather just sit at my laptop, in my pajamas and type out a blog entry from time to time, whenever I feel as though I feel as if I need it.

I know I’m depressed.  I know I’m chronically depressed and I fight that battle, on my own, on a daily basis.  It sucks, and it’s hard as hell.  Quite frankly, it’s probably the most difficult battle I’ve ever faced.

Back in May of 2006, I was diagnosed with Chiari 1 Malformation.  Since diagnosis, I have had two brain surgeries, one in June of 2006, and the most recent being in May of 2009.  The most recent one being considered successful, however, my condition has done so much irreversible damage, that I still am quite ill 95% of the time.

With my illness, constant pain and limited abilities, I often use the Spoon Theory to describe my day-to-day function ability.  Shockingly, none of the doctors I have encounters have ever heard of this theory until I explained it to them with paper clips in their offices.   I am just hoping that they had fully learned the information given to them and possibly went home that night and learned a little more about the Spoon Theory and have taught it to more patients in the future.

Something that the majority of people in this country struggle with is their weight.  I, as well, struggle with my weight.  However, I am on the opposite end of the spectrum.  I can not gain weight.  I have had this issue my entire life.  The last time I weighed myself, about a week and a half ago, I weighed 97 pounds.

Growing up, my older brother always called me Anna.  I never really understood why until one day when I said I wasn’t hungry and he called me Anna when I declined to eat.  He was calling me anorexic.

Before people go off on me about my weight, and start going crazy about my not wanting to eat, let me clear something up.  I will gladly, and OPENLY admit to anyone, any day of the week that I suffer from anorexia.  However, I do NOT, and let me repeat myself, I do NOT, suffer from anorexia nervosa.

Sometime last fall, my mom somehow rolled her ankle and it has bothered her ever since.  She finally convinced her doctor that something was in fact wrong with her and he sent her for an MRI last Friday of her right ankle.

She got a call today at work saying her doctor wanted her to go see an orthopedic surgeon FIRST THING tomorrow morning (Wednesday) due to a fracture in her ankle that has been there for SIX FREAKING MONTHS.  This is for sure going to need surgery and casting.  I will post more as I know more details tomorrow, however, at this time, I don’t know much at all.

Yes, I understand that I have a lot of kinks to fix here on wordpress to work out and I hope to fix them within the next few days, so please, bare with me!



et cetera